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The Phillippic Against Otterius

April 24, 2015: On the History thread, Ur-Sunny prompted the meme for “A History of Otters in 300 words. Go.” A nonny channeled Cicero:

Behold, oh conscript fathers, the vain Otterius. He bathes in our waters, he gorges himself on our woods, he dresses himself in lavish clothes. There is no sight more unfathomable to any virtuous Roman than that of this lazy creature.

But what of his friends? you ask. He surrounds himself with all forms of creatures; there is Mantisia, in her foreign dress, and without a husband at her side, for she is voracious in her appetites. There is the good Ponius and his family, of low birth and loud manner. And the most terrible of all, this beast of a tribune, Kraken Tentaculus as they call him in Gaul. The account of his crimes has more than once been the subject of our meetings, and yet he escaped conviction every time by unknown means. And every time we found a wine wagon missing.

What are we to make of Otterius then, if he keeps the company of such wicked creatures? Shall we judge him by his friends who, as we just heard, are creatures any Roman should count as their enemy? Shall we judge him by his family, or his land - or, indeed, his waters, for that is where he built his house? Shall we judge him by his disposition towards his enemies? I did not count myself among them; I have always been a friend to Otterius, despite the troubled accounts of those who have seen him in battle.

But what will become of this Meme Republic if we let creatures such as Otterius rule us; if we place a crown on their heads? Will we too walk the streets wet and stark naked, and drunk? O conscript fathers, I do not wish to make an enemy of Otterius, but I will not see this Republic fall to splinters.

the-phillippic-against-otterius.txt · Last modified: 2021/08/30 19:16 by nonnymousely