Officer Dumb Slut

“Every precinct needs the Loose Canon, the Bright-Eyed Rookie, the Cop on the Edge with Nothing Left to Lose, and the Dumb Slut.” — Nonny

In late September 2019, when the stalwart defenders of the Hugo Award's honor had taken to a post on AO3 News to combat the icky fangirls and their cooties, they found an unexpected ally. This was an anti-feminist user who "ended up going on an extended digression of how 'mansplaining' is a tool used to bully men." She also defended the humorlessness of the WSFS dudes. Ultimately, she deleted all her comments in that thread.

A comment of hers is copypasted here; it was in response to someone who said, “But yes, many people have written crack fics at 2 am as a joke that they're not proud of, so having those works being hosted on a Hugo-winning archive is funny”:

I've never written crack fic, I take all the fics I write seriously and I spend a lot of time plotting them out, writing them and editing them. So yes, I like to think that my works might be award worthy. I was saying that I hope other people don't walk away from this whole thing thinking that ALL of their works are going to be taken as a joke by the wider fiction audience and that they need to support that attitude. Fanfic has traditionally been considered a joke by original fic authors and having fanfic authors running around, freely making fun of themselves enforces that attitude. I just feel that it's moving us in the wrong direction.

So yes, I am sincere and I do take this seriously. I'm tired of people taking my work as a joke and it does annoy me when the fanfic community itself is helping to perpetuate that attitude.

A few posts later, a nonny said:

I was trying to remember where I'd heard their name before… and then I clicked on their profile and realized they're the author of this one terrible origfic I tried once where a woobie cop needs to be dommed by his partner so he'll stop being so godawful at his job that he's a danger to civilians, and all of a sudden all their comments about how they've never written crackfic got so much funnier

The fic is +225K of thinly veiled Stucky idfic, going by the author's having accidentally left the name "Steve" in the text.

A nonny pointed out “this gem from the comments” of the fic:

the beauty of a good BDSM relationship is that most of the character development should take place before and after, not during a scene. … You can absolutely skim through the smut scenes if you want and you won't be missing out.

Nonny added, “Since Dumb Slut can't think without a dildo in his ass, this seems like a dire turn of events for his character arc.”

The MCs are two cops, Steve Scott and Bucky Ryan. Scott, Ryan's partner and submissive, is possibly the dumbest man ever to have been a vice cop and to have become a homicide detective. It's not as though he's unaware of this, however. His inner monologue consists of very little besides berating himself for being “a dumb slut,” “a stupid whore,” “a freak,” and various other unflattering things. "There should be a drinking game for every time he refers to himself as a stupid slut or a stupid whore."

“He's a bizarre mess that's evolved for a very particular ecological niche and can't survive outside of it. He is a dumb slut koala.”

The author writes, “He’d been so proud of himself when he’d gotten promoted to detective and also joined that BDSM website four years ago."

Scott is inspired by multiple recent murder cases in his precinct to talk to his dom partner, Ryan, about … his anxiety issues.

He once "nearly accidentally starved himself to death." He was 19 at the time. Nonny quotes the fic:

Scott realized he was hungry. “I'm hungry,” said Scott.

Ryan stared deeply into his eyes. “Scott,” he said, seriously, “do you think you might be hungry because you haven't eaten food in a while?”

Scott lowered his gaze sadly. “Yeah. I do think that's why.” He'd been so busy bungling a murder case that he'd forgotten about lunch. Did a stupid slut like him even deserve lunch?

“Would you like to get a sandwich?”

Scott's eyes lit up. “Could we?!”

He lost his gun by accidentally…..

… sticking it up his ass?

i carry your gun with me (i carry it in my ass)

A dumb slut doo doo doo doo doo
A dumb slut doo doo doo doo doo
A dumb slut doo doo doo doo doo
A dumb slut!

Lost his gun doo doo doo doo
Lost his gun doo doo doo doo
Lost his gun doo doo doo doo
Up his bum!]]

Nope! By leaving it behind at the apartment of some hookup. Who had to remind Scott *twice* that he was sucking off a loaded gun.

He has to get his gun back. He has to get his gun back right now! But how? He can’t just go up to the idiot’s apartment, bang on his door and demand his gun back. The guy probably wouldn’t even open the door.

His stomach twists and he’s sweating. He has to report this. In fact, he should have started filling out the paperwork five minutes ago, instead of sitting here panicking. But paperwork means having to admit what a stupid slut he is and it’ll cost him his job.

”I really want a fic from the third guy (I'll call him Charlie) reeling from the worst one night stand in his life. First this cop comes to fuck and he brings a *loaded gun,* then he just wanders off after sucking on his fingers like a creep, then this entirely new weirdo comes to assault him for not gently putting the gun back in Scott's pocket or something. Maybe Charlie called! Maybe he called multiple times, but the only time Scott ever picked up, Charlie made the mistake of going, 'hey what the fuck man, come get your GUN' and Scott burst into snotty tears?“And Meme obliges!

HE PROTEC
HE ATTAC
but most of all:
HE CAN'T GET GUN BAC

He's not good with gun safety in general.

Chuckling, Ryan tightens his grip in Scott’s hair and tugs a bit. “You know it’s not safe to wear your gun when you’re napping, Jenkins. It’s digging into my thigh. Or wait…maybe that’s not your gun? It feels pretty hard.”

”Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to <b>(BANG)</b> OH GOD GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL“

He's such a horny dumb slut that *"clearly we can’t have conversations while dildos are within my eyesight."* And Ryan has to stop talking about dildos while Scott is driving.

"You know my brain has the IQ of a bowl of pudding when I’m in subspace. I didn’t have any other thoughts in my head except that I wanted to wrap those chains around my neck. It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to breathe or that I could hurt myself.”

Nonny 1: "I feel like getting away from this cop in a chase could be easy." Nonny 2: “You could just throw sex toys and handcuffs behind you like caltrops.” (Which led to nonnies channeling *Teahouse* characters.)

When Scott swore off sex he got so messed up he was a jerk to all his co-workers and refused to read a suspect their rights!

*“Really?! When were you planning on letting him do that? After another two hours? A week later? A year later? You know the rules and you know why they exist! If he wants a lawyer, he gets his phone call. End of story.”

Scott feels like shit. The whole experience had been surreal and he’d felt like he was standing outside of his body, watching himself making a mess. He’d let his temper control the entire interrogation and it had started out giving him good results. But once the guy had asked to call his lawyer, Scott’s temper had kept right on going and he’d gone along for the ride. He hasn’t let his temper get away from him like that in years and it’s never been this bad, even during his worst years. Ryan had been yelling at him through his ear piece, but Scott had reached up and taken it out. Eventually Ryan had come in and put a stop to the disaster.

Then there's his porn addiction:

Scott takes a shaky breath. He mentally reminds himself to skip over the months he’d spent watching porn and the crippling financial debt he’d fallen into which he’d only managed to climb out of three years ago. Those things have nothing to do with this conversation. Ryan doesn’t have to know that Scott only started watching BDSM videos because he’d literally watched every other porn video the nearby porn shop had.

"In other words, he went into crippling debt BUYING pornography to the extent it outpaced his salary as a police officer and he ran out of things to buy?”

"He once thought the people in his porn videos were real and living in his house.

“I noticed after a while, I wasn’t getting turned on anymore. Even if I tried masturbating, nothing would happen. But I still really liked watched the porn. For some reason, I felt like the people in the videos were there in the house with me and it was so nice watching them making each other feel good. I started having these really weird thoughts. I remember I was convinced that the porn people were using my bed, so I had to stay in the armchair I was sitting in. I wasn’t upset by that, I was happy that they were in my house with me. I’m sorry—I know that makes no sense.“

Nonny 1: "This honestly sounds like something from a Murakami novel." Nonny 2: “Murakami's Italic TextHard-Boiled Dumb Slut and the End of the WorldItalic Text.”

Scott can't figure out what a fucking machine is. "OK, I'm up to the part where Ryan gets the fucking machine out of storage and is like, “Guess what this is, Scotty!” and Scott's just…oh my god. The amount of time he takes puzzling over what this piece of equipment might possibly be for. He's literally holding a dildo that he's figured out screws onto ~something~ when this part happens:

Frowning, Scott glances at Ryan. But Ryan’s not giving anything away, just quirking an eyebrow at him. “Come on, Detective Jenkins. Put that brain to use.”

“He can't, Ryan! You know goddamn well he can't! He's a dumb sex baby!”

Same nonny: *Ryan watches Scott, thrusting his cock into him and wondering what Scott’s doing. Letting Scott take his hand, he stays quiet as Scott turns Ryan’s wrist over. Unfortunately, it’s his left hand and his wrist is bare* [of a tattoo]. *Scott tenses up and lets out a choked cry, sounding devastated.* THIS IS HOW DUMB HE IS" Or what a BDSM playroom is. > [[https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/396706.html?thread=2338438818#cmt233|Ryan sighs heavily. “Scotty, this isn’t just a normal bedroom. It’s my play room.”

Scott blinks. “Your…play room?” He looks around, but there aren’t any tables for playing board games, nor is there a computer or television for playing video games, so he has no idea what games Ryan’s playing in here. Unless he has a projector and watches movies in here? But why would he call it a ‘play room’? “Like for movies?”

Scott blinks and he can’t breathe. He suddenly understands everything. This is Ryan’s play room. Where he has non-vanilla sex with other people. Because Ryan’s a dom. And this room is full of the toys and equipment that Ryan uses.

“The whips. The whips chosen especially by Ryan, for kinky sex Ryan does. Ryan's whips.”

Sometimes you just have to own up to your adult baby sex kink.

Scott smiles. Yay! “And if I try sucking on your fingers again, just gimme a hard slap across the face. That usually stops the weirdness.”

Ryan tenses and Scott’s smile disappears, knowing he’d said the wrong thing. Given Ryan’s history, that statement is one of the dumbest things Scott could have said. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Ryan kisses Scott’s neck softly. “Don’t apologize, I’m not upset with you. Is that how those assholes reacted?”
Scott shrugs. “Sometimes. Other times, they’d just throw me out when we were done, so I’d sit in the hallway and suck on my own fingers until my brain started working again. So that’s another option you have.”

Nonny 1: "Imagine walking into your apartment after a long day at work, and there, sitting in front of your roommate's door, is a man in a disheveled cop uniform with his dick out, aggressively sucking on his own fingers while just saying fucking *nothing* to you.”

Nonny 2: "*Sarazanmai* (2019)"

Nonny 3: "And that man... was Captain America."

Miss my plug doo doo doo doo doo
Miss my plug doo doo doo doo doo
Miss my plug doo doo doo doo doo
Miss my plug!

From the fic:

It’s two o’clock in the morning, Scott’s sitting on the couch and Ryan’s arranging butt plugs on his coffee table because Scott needs a plug shoved up his ass so he can sleep. The whole thing is ridiculous and embarrassing, but it also warms Scott’s heart that Ryan’s being so kind. Scott doesn’t deserve it, but he’s selfish enough that he’ll soak up Ryan’s kindness whenever he gets within grabbing distance of it. ….Scott immediately points at a plug that looks similar to his friend at home.

…Scott holds up his hand and slowly spells out a few letters. E-M-P-T-Y.

Ryan frowns. “Empty. But you’re sucking on…oh! Of course. You want something in your ass?”

…“Okay. I’ll get a couple more of those so you can decide if you wanna take that one home or keep it here. Either way, we’ll have plenty of spare ones.”

Scott blinks. “I—I can keep using it?”

“Of course! It’s yours. I don’t need it and if it makes you feel good, then I’ll buy you a hundred of them.”

Ryan’s being so casual about this, like giving Scott a wonderful present is a normal thing to do. Scott can’t loosen his grip on the plug and he keeps staring at Ryan. “You’re really letting me keep it?”

“Master has given Scotty a plug! Scotty is free!”

“A horrible image of Jason Isaacs' Lucius throwing a butt plug at Dobby just flashed through my mind.”

"Dobby stretches, sir!"

"I was imagining Lucius angrily flinging the buttplug in Dobby's general direction, and Dobby seeing his opportunity and positioning himself in the nick of time so he's there to catch it with his cheeks spread so it lands right on target“

"STOP!"

That's what Lucius said when he saw that buttplug falling through the air right towards Dobby's eager, winking hole”

'Dobby has got a buttplug,' said Dobby in disbelief. 'Master threw it, and Dobby caught it, and Dobby - Dobby is free.'

Lucius Malfoy stood frozen, staring at the elf. Then he lunged at Harry. 'You’ve lost me my cocksleeve, boy!'

But Dobby shouted, 'You shall not fuck Harry Potter!'

Back to the *un*intentionally hilarious fic:

Shifting in his chair, he notices his ass is really damn sore and his desk chair isn’t very comfortable. Well, good. He deserves the discomfort. He also deserves to lose his job, his friends and everything else good in his life. That’s what he gets for being a dumb slut.

"I'm not entirely sure it's possible that Scott *could* be good at work. He seems like he needs a job where all he has to do is play with crayons.“

"I don't think he'd even be good at that. He would suck on the crayons, or stick them up his butt.”

"Now I'm imagining Scott fine dining with his favorite plug. Like, just imagine being a waiter there. You have to serve a fancy dinner to this dumbass who's sucking his fingers and staring adoringly across the table at his butt plug, seated on its own chair and a stack of pillows.“

As he sits on the couch, he clenches around the plug, getting comfort from being filled. It reminds him that no matter what, he won’t ever be truly alone again. Even if Ryan decides to end things with him, Scott will always have his plugs for comfort.

"Aww, they're both very well suited to each other. They're sooooo stupid. I guess we're going to go through a whole 'but he only loves me platonically' stupid misunderstanding thing :D”

"+1 Except it's going to be less 'he thinks of me as a brother' and more 'he thinks of me as a butt plug, safe and comforting, always there for him'. I can't wait. :DD“

"He ain't heavy, he's my buttplug."

"Do Cops Dream of Electric Buttplugs?"

“Scotty? Can you grab a condom, please? They’re in the bedside table drawer.”

It feels like a bucket of cold water’s been dumped over his head. He completely forgot about the stupid condom. Shit! For a second, he gets the ridiculous urge to whine. He doesn’t want to cover that delicious cock with plastic-tasting latex. He wants to feel the flesh in his mouth, he wants to trace every vein with his tongue, he wants to flick his tongue over the slit and taste the pre-cum that will leak out of it. And most importantly, he wants all the warm cum filling his mouth and throat.

But he can’t have any of that. Because Ryan wants to use condoms. And condoms are a good thing. Condoms are a safe thing. And Scott would never risk Ryan’s safety or disrespect him by fussing over the use of condoms just because he’s a cum slut. He can’t count how many people he hasn’t used condoms with and he hasn’t gotten tested in years. There’s no way Ryan should take the risk of doing anything with him without a condom, so a condom is a must.

"SCOTTY HATE CONDOM"

“I’ve been thinking a lot about our cum issue.”

…Ryan’s grin grows. “Uh huh. In fact, I liked the idea of finding a solution to this now because—” His grin fades a bit and he looks more serious. “—if the test results aren’t good, then I don’t want that to crush you. I wanted to find a way to give you what you need and this way, it won’t make much difference if our actual cum is ever involved in scenes or not.”

Scott has no idea where this is going. “So…you found a solution? Did you…order somebody’s clean cum off the internet? You know that shit spoils fast.”

"Wouldn't fresh, clean cum be really expensive? It's not like a single supplier can produce a lot, and 'that shit spoils fast'. Would guys pool together to make cum blends like it's olive oil? Provided anyone but Officer Dumb Slut even wanted to buy it, which the wouldn't? Would the cum come with a stack of clean bills of health and a warning 'may contain traces of soy and dog jizz'?”

Ryan's solution was to make artificial edible cum using cornstarch. “Cornstarch?? Did it do that non-Newtonian fluid thing when his arse was slapped?" "[[https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/394109.html?thread=2321135997#cmt2321135997|Oh my god, I can't believe it didn't occur to me to bring the word 'oobleck' into the conversation the last time we talked about this." > [[https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/391819.html?thread=2305109131#cmt2305109131|Letting himself be manhandled this way and that, Scott doesn’t care what’s happening. He’s too busy sucking on the cock and loving the sticky taste of cum in his mouth. Eventually, there’s a blanket covering him as Ryan settles onto the pillow facing him. One of Ryan’s arms is wrapped around him, while the other squeezes the dildo’s balls to send another flood of cum into his mouth and slowly thrust the dildo in and out of his mouth. Scott moans happily and stares at Ryan across the pillow, filled with such gratitude and love for him.

“Scott has a security dildo now! That he can suck instead of his own fingers!”

"And then he's like, 'Ryan, your fake cum made me pregnant :( I hope Argo is ready to take responsibility'”

Scott suckles on it, sighing happily. There’s only a trickle of cum coming out of it when Ryan squeezes the balls, but that’s okay.

“Suckles. SUCKLES.”

Ryan tries to shift enough for his cock to slide out fully, but Scott suddenly goes rigid against him and lets out a fearful sob.

“Please—please don’t take—please—please don’t—…I thought you changed your mind and you were gonna take your cum back because you changed your mind and thought I didn’t deserve it.“*

“I was thinking it hadn't been as funny lately, and then this happened and I need a hospital… I THOUGHT YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND AND WERE GONNA TAKE YOUR CUM BACK

“I imagine there being a schlooping sound as Ryan's dick vacuums the come back inside?”

I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU AND I'M TAKING BACK ALL MY CUM

When a nonny asked "….how….??", replies included “Officer Dumb Slut II: Fear of Felching”

"I realized I really liked it when people came on me or in me. I noticed I got really turned on by it, but it was more than that. The way my aunt and her family had just turned on me and cut me out, that really hurt. And when people were willing to share their cum with me, it felt like they were giving me a part of themselves. That they thought I worth getting it. They wouldn’t just keep it for themselves in a condom.”*

"Is this crab nebula Bertie Wooster?"

He glances down and sees Scott smiling. “Just so we’re clear…” Ryan mumbles against Scott’s hair.

“Hmm?”

“From now on, every drop of my cum belongs to you. You can take it or leave it or put it wherever the hell you want. I’m never gonna keep a single drop of it from you.”

More filk: two different takes on “Gee, Officer Krupke”…

Gee, Officer Dumb Slut
Get up off your knees
You’re not just a sub, you’ve got a neural disease

Officer Ryan, you make me despair;
This boy don't need a dom, he needs an analyst's care!
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
He's psychologic'ly disturbed!

…and one of a song from *Crazy Ex Girlfriend*…

Well Scotty, you've done it now...
You ruined everything
You stupid slut
You ruined everything
You stupid, stupid slut
You're just a stupid little slut who ruins things
And keeps losing his gun
Slut
You're a stupid slut
Who's full of cuuuummmm

“…they have the nerve to allege that it's a 'platonic' butt plug insertion, as opposed to a “sexual” one. THAT'LL HOLD UP IN COURT.”

He has a quick mental debate over what to do. Scott’s already in subspace so Ryan knows what his answer would be if he’s asked whether he wants to have sex or not. Asking him is a waste of time, so that’s not helpful. And Ryan had made such a big deal out of separating platonic BDSM stuff from sexual stuff. If he turns things sexual, would that confuse things? Well…technically, they’re in bed, not on the recliner. For them, sex is an expected part of being in bed. So that counts?

And Scott’s been doing so much better. He usually gets a little hard from Ryan holding his cock, but he doesn’t turn into a puddle of goo like he used to. Maybe they’ve come to the point where Ryan can decide whether or not to turn things sexual and he can trust Scott’s body language to tell him whether he really wants to have sex or not?

Nonnies wrote a couple of longcomments about the author's shaky grasp of what constitutes consent.

"Some joyless fucks got super douchey and self righteous and started hassling the author over it. How anyone could straight-facedly clutch their pearls over the story of the world’s worst cop and his buttplug friends without immediately melting and slithering down a drain in shame over what a stuffed shirt it makes you sound like is beyond me, but it takes all kinds to make a world.

"I feel stupid being mad about this because it’s Officer Dumb Slut—I’m just *not* going to get in a comments fight on such a silly fic—but this person in the comments is demanding that the fic should have a Rape/Non-Con tag because *'So… because Scott was ultimately fine with it, it doesn't matter that Ryan sexually assaulted him?… Ryan has now sexually assaulted Scott twice, regardless of whether Scott knows that.'* This definition of sexual assault, that you can declare an adult was raped regardless of how they feel about what happened or whether they consider what happened to be rape, really pisses me off. I guess this is normal for antis–I have seen a few comments like this on fics before.”

After some nonny lectured everyone on how people's concept of the law informs their fiction….

“TIL some places have laws about subspace?”

"Where I live, they write you a ticket if you stay in subspace for more than two hours (Sundays and certain holidays excepted).“

It turned out that the AO3 troll was a nonny, who "[kept] talking about this on meme discord." The Discord convos are shared here and here.

”LEAVE OFFICER DUMB SLUT ALONE! *brandishes cornstarch-filled dildo protectively*“

"The real porn people were the dildo friends we made along the way."